


get your money for nothin' (get your chicks for free)

by lutzaussi



Category: Kingsman (Movies), Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Canon-Typical Violence, Dogs, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-21 16:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9557147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lutzaussi/pseuds/lutzaussi
Summary: spy [spahy] • noun • plural, spies1. a person employed by a government to obtain secret information or intelligence about another, usually hostile, country, especially with reference to military or naval affairs.2. a person who keeps close and secret watch on the actions and words of another or others.3. the act of spying.





	

  

 

> _Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it_  
>  _You play the guitar on the MTV_  
>  _That ain't workin' that's the way you do it_  
>  _Money for nothin' and chicks for free_  
>  _Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it_  
>  _Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb_  
>  _Maybe get a blister on your little finger_  
>  _Maybe get a blister on your thumb_

 

 

 

Naruto vaguely remembers, _after_ , the old, dignified man who knelt down on the grotty carpet despite wearing a clean suit, the old man with white hair who handed him a medal, asked his name, and told him in a conspiratory whisper to take care of his mam. He remembers going to her after the man left, being tucked against her chest as it heaved and tears left an occasional dampness on his head.

 _After_ , Naruto doesn’t think much of the man. He’d been seven and there were more important things to remember, school and then work when he was old enough, making sure his mam made all of her appointments and got all of her medicine. By the time he’s eighteen she’s settled into life in a wheelchair and he’s juggling studying for his A-Levels and working two jobs even though the likelihood of him being able to pay for college is next to null.

He does it for his mam. He does everything for his mam.

 -

Though his mam would have words with him about taking the fall for some of the boys after they nicked a car. He likes to think she would understand at least a little. Or, at least, he hopes she would.

Because Naruto probably knows best that his mother takes no shit, especially from him, and if she hears through the grapevine that he was picked up by her old junior he’s going to die no matter what. His tendency for self-sacrifice aside, she would be able to tell he had nothing to do with the car being nicked, but that wouldn’t prevent her from thoroughly kicking his arse all the way into the deepest crevice in the Atlantic.

The point is, he’s fucking _desperate_. And in that desperation forms some new sort of problem-destroying thought process that Naruto didn’t know he had, and he remembers the medal.

As soon as he’s alone, phone in hand, he tugs the medal out from under his shirt and dials.

“Customer complaints, how may I help you?” comes the most unobtrusive voice he has ever heard.

It takes him aback, definitely, but free help is free help so he says, “Uh, I’m Naruto? Naruto Uzumaki? My mam told me call this number if I ever got in trouble…?”

There is a pause, then the voice says, “I’m sorry sir, wrong number.”

There is a small bead of panic in his voice when he says, “Wait! Wait—uh, Oxfords, not Brogues?”

A click, and the voice says, “Your complaint has been noted. We hope that we have not lost you as a loyal customer.”

And another click, and in ten minutes he’s out of the precinct with no fucking clue what’s going on. The first thing on his mind is the need to kick the shit out of Kiba for doing such a stupid thing, and the second is that he needs to ensure that his mother never learns of this.

So, home. He books it as quickly as he can and arrives at their apartment around the general time he’d planned to be back anyway. Safe.

-

Safe, he would like to think, at least, but then after he makes lunch and calls to see if he needs to go in to the café to cover lunch (a no, thankfully), there comes a knock at the door.

Naruto’s mind goes a million bad places at once, but you can’t know until you see, so he finishes the dishes, dries his hands, and opens the door.

-

And Naruto is real fucking glad his mam is busy with her freelance work (website design, it doesn’t pay well but it pays), because standing on the concrete of their stoop is the man—the man with white hair, the impeccably cut suit.

“Can I—“ he forces himself to swallow, try again—“can I help you?”

“Perhaps I should come in,” the man says, raising an eyebrow.

-

Naruto decides that he is completely and utterly fucked when the man says, in full hearing range of his mother, “I am here to offer you a job.”

She wheels into the kitchen faster than Usain Bolt crossing an Olympic finish line, and it’s somewhat of a relief that she doesn’t recognize the man because the first words out of her mouth are, “A job? I didn’t know you’d done any interviews?”

“He’s been accepted for training based on a phone interview,” the man says, turning to her as well, “of course, he will be paid during that time, and he will be given severance if he proves unsuited for the position.”

“We’ll leave you to your work, mam,” Naruto said, because as okay as he was going along with this strange old man, he didn’t want to agree to anything without knowing full well what was in store. “Just going down to the caff, yeah?”

-

Naruto has only been taken in to the precinct twice in his life, not counting the most recent time or any, well, _courtesy calls_ on his mother’s behalf, and Jiraiya knows about those, knows his fucking grades and every misstep he’s taken in his life, every trophy he won in track and gymnastics.

It’s quite safe to say that Naruto is terrified of this so-called “job” that the older man is offering.

Especially when they’re leaving the caff, heading down to Savile Row in a taxi with fucking _whisky_ sitting in a crystal decanter on a tray in the back seat. Naruto has had quite enough of it by then, thank you _very_ much, but he can’t just up and leave once he’s given his word, especially when he’s fairly sure that Jiraiya is an assassin or related to the mob somehow.

So.

He expects only bad things when they step into one of the dimly lit fitting rooms, briefly reviews what he remembers from his judo classes until Jiraiya says, gesturing at the mirrors in front of them, “Tell me, what do you see?”

Naruto…doesn’t say anything. He stares at Jiraiya with outright confusion on his face because, really, is this a fucking test?

“Because,” Jiraiya goes on, “I see a young man with wasted potential.”

-

The entire trip is fucking—exhilarating, amazing, overwhelming, any number of adjectives that Naruto’s brain has no problem conjuring. Jiraiya roughly explains what he is there to do while they are in the tiny tube car, which is good because as soon as they step foot into the massive complex Naruto just wants to look at _everything_.

He barely notices that Jiraiya is leading him somewhere until they wind up in what looks like military barracks.

“Ah, Galahad, you made it,” a brown-haired man says. He sounds and looks slightly severe, his hair pulled back and a large, white scar across the bridge of his nose, but there are more laugh lines around his eyes than frown lines. The annoyed tone seems reserved for Jiraiya, and Naruto goes and forms up with the other nine standing in the room.

“Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am Merlin. You are all about to take part in a job interview that will probably be the most dangerous thing you do in your life. Only one of you will become the next Lancelot,” he surveys them, as though sizing each of them up, before grabbing a bag off the bunk next to him.

“Can anyone tell me what this is?” asks Merlin, his voice soft and somewhat flat. The black bag is of the type that Naruto has seen several times when his mum was still a police officer and his hand shoots into the air first.

The brown-haired man nods at him, and Naruto says, “Body bag.”

“Right you are, Naruto, is it?”

“Yes,” Naruto says, amends, “sir.”

“Good. In a moment you will each take one. They are body bags,” the man says, sounding altogether too cheerful about that fact. “You will write down your information as well as that of your family on your bag. Each of you agreed to strict confidentiality upon taking this interview, and should you break that confidentiality, you and your next of kin will be the inhabitants of that bag. Understood?”

They all nod, and break for the bags.

-

Naruto picks the bunk next to the one that Merlin had taken the bag from, tries to ignore the talking of the men behind him, already poking at his accent and his hair and his clothing.

“Ignore them, they think if you haven’t spent your glory years at Eton and know board members at Cambridge and Oxford you’re nothing worth talking to,” a girl with pink dyed hair and rather impressive musculature under her siren suit says, picking up the folded bag on the bunk next to his, “Sakura.”

“I’m Ino, and that is seconded,” a blonde girl adds, walking up to them and holding out a pen to Naruto.

“Naruto,” he returns, gratefully accepts the pen and begins writing on the bag in his bunk.

-

As soon as the water touches his ass, Naruto is awake. It’s fucking crazy, Sasuke and Sakura yelling at them to get in the bathrooms and in the midst of swimming Naruto notices—more like, Naruto’s fucking brain notices thanks to his fruit-fly long attention span—that the mirrors are two-way in the bathroom. He doesn’t wonder _why_ because that’s another dark rabbit hole he doesn’t want to go down, but he swims over and he doesn’t even get it cracked before the water fucking drains quicker than anything Naruto has seen.

Merlin finds them in the bathroom, impeccable in his suit to their wet and grotty pyjamas, a frown furrowing his brow. “Congratulations, you’ve completed your first task. Sasuke, Sakura, good job. It would be good for all of you to remember that getting a breathing tube through the U-bend of a toilet will give you unlimited air. Naruto, well done for spotting the two-way mirror.”

Naruto feels a spike of pride that turns to simmering anger when Sasuke mutters, “Yeah, well, he’s probably seen enough of them.”

Merlin fixes Sasuke with a look that could probably kill a man, snaps, “Well, stop looking so self-satisfied because as far as I’m concerned, you all failed. Because the most important thing is teamwork.” He points his pen in the direction of their quarters, and Sakura leads them to look into the large room, where a small, blonde form is splayed. Ino.

“Fuck,” Naruto mutters, and he considers for not the first, nor last time, that maybe this is a bad idea.

-

“Right,” Merlin says as they are filing outside from the underground entrance, from where he’s standing on the main rear balcony, “You are to think of your next assignment as something like a long-term project.”

Naruto and Sakura are the last ones out, the last ones to see the massive pile of crates under the balcony, and the plethora of puppies within.

“Dogs?” Sasuke says, sounding somewhat disbelieving.

Merlin has the usual half-sadistic, half-pitying expression on his face. He doesn’t lean over the railing to look at the pile of crates, remains with his eyes on them, still standing at attention. “You will pick a dog. You will care for and train your dog, and by the time you are fully trained, so will the dog be. They will go everywhere you go,” he taps his tablet without looking, and his smile turns just a shade more terrifying, “Choose wisely.”

-

Naruto has a golden retriever. He is the most beautiful dog that Naruto has ever seen, a dark red gold that is short while he is a puppy, but it grows out as the dog grows. Naruto names him Kurama.

On the other hand, Sakura has an absolute monster of a dog, that’s what she has. The border collie never stops moving and when they’re out in the fields Sakura tends to get a wicked look on her face before she starts her whistling.

“They’re considered one of the smartest breeds of dog,” she protests on one of their runs, when the two of them and their dogs break away and are a few meters ahead of all of the others, “they’re bred to be high-activity so they can deal with sheep! Don’t look at me like that!”

Naruto can’t help the snorting giggles as they round a bend, the mansion back in sight and Kurama all but nipping at his heels. “And you named him _Rambo_?” he finally manages to ask, when they’re within sight of the balcony and the underground entrance.

Sakura’s voice is still defensive when she says, “Rambo’s a classic, get off my ass, Uzumaki.”

-

He isn’t present when Jiraiya is brought back, injured and unconscious after trying to get information from a man that he had called “Professor Orochimaru.” To say that Naruto is concerned would be putting it lightly, but he’s gotten damned good at hiding whatever emotions he may be feeling. Hell, he doesn’t even hear that his own goddamn mentor is awake until two days after the fact, and he has to batten down the pettiness when he tells Kurama not to jump on the man.

“I trust your training is going well?” Jiraiya says, looking up from his mirror and the absolute mess his hair is when Naruto pushes his way into the room without knocking. Naruto merely dips his head to the dog, who is sitting neatly next to him, waiting attentively. Jiraiya allows them an approving nod—he’d almost gotten mauled by the dog the first couple of weeks of training—and there’s a couple moments of silence before someone knocks on the door.

“Come in,” the white haired man says, stepping away from the mirror.

Merlin pushes in, looking, like usual, long-suffering. He eyes Naruto until Jiraiya waves a hand and says, “It’s fine, he might learn something.”

That earns a shrug, and Merlin taps his clipboard, turning the screen inside the room on, “Look at this.”

Naruto watches with interest, at least until the man with long black hair fucking explodes while Jiraiya flings himself away and out of a window. “Fucking _Christ_! That’s rank, Jiraiya, blowin’ him up was a bit much?”

-

Jiraiya did not blow a man up, which is sort of a relief, and it gives Naruto quite a bit of satisfaction when neither he nor Merlin know about Madara’s announcement.

“Here,” he takes Merlin’s tablet, taps into one of the news feeds that’s cycling the man’s speech.

“—dollars per year on cell phones, data, and internet usage,” the head of the Uchiha family business is a tall man, with long dark hair and only one eye, “the days of spending that money are over; in a week’s time, everyone in the lower seventy percent of income brackets world-wide will be eligible to receive a free SIM card, compatible with any cell phone and any computer, connected to my free communications network—”

Merlin mutes it as the audience starts clapping, frowns. “What the hell is he trying to play?” the man mutters to himself, sighs as Jiraiya takes the tablet, rewinds and pauses, zooming in on one of Madara’s escorts, who has a scar identical to that of the late Professor Orochimaru under his ear.

Merlin and Jiraiya share a grim look.

-

The kick of a gun in his hand is familiar from the gun safety training that his mam had him take when he was but a little tween, and the hours he got in at the gun range with his mam, even after she was formally retired. Because if there is one thing that Kushina Uzumaki is more proud of than her son and her hair, it’s her untouched top accuracy scores still enshrined in the Islington Borough building.

He isn’t as expert a marksman as her, but he’s the best shot out of the eight of them. Jiraiya had mentioned, in an off-handed sort of way during their usual mentoring time (or really, glory-day story time), that there is an underground shooting range, and after that Naruto made the best of it, even dragging Sakura down on their rare nights off of training because she is a miserable shot. But in return she schools him on hand-to-hand combat, because her family is all military and she’s the best at that.

They have field tests regularly; simulated combat, marksmanship, obstacle courses (which are the worst), and, Naruto’s favorite, parachuting.

-

It’s just once. They have to throw themselves out of a plane only once, and Naruto almost wants to go to Merlin and beg the man to let them do it more than once. The others are varying degrees of scared or apathetic, but he’s fucking excited for it.

It’s only when they’re on the plane, though, skimming over the countryside, that he realizes Sakura is not just scared of heights, but she’s completely fucking terrified of them.

Which does not bode well for anyone.

Naruto manages, through some feat of sheer fucking will and maybe lies, to convince her that they will both be fine before he throws himself out of the plane after the others. And it is a fucking win, because she follows mere seconds after him, muttering curses that everyone can hear over the comm line.

-

It is going swimmingly. Naruto is having the time of his life, frankly, falling through the sky with five other people, two of which he considers mates. Even Sakura has stopped muttering to herself, her breathing evened out.

Until Merlin, being Merlin, clears his throat and says, “I hope you are all having fun, but whilst having fun, I hope you are all aware that one of your fellows has a dummy parachute. I do expect you all to land.”

There is literal silence for a full fifteen seconds before everyone starts talking, and Naruto bellows, “Shut up! Listen, pair off, there’s six of us ‘nd only one person’s ‘chute is gone!”

But, of course, someone has to panic and before they can all properly pair off Karin has shot her ‘chute off and is pulled back up, safely floating above them. Naruto curses and tries to take control again, “Listen, circle up! Come on!”

They do as he yells, which is a marvel, and once they’re all more or less holding on to each other, he says, “Right, we’re going around, if someone pulls and they don’t have their ‘chute, person on their left grabs them and pulls off.”

“I’ll go first,” Sasuke says, growing some actual balls for once in the time that Naruto has known him, letting go of Naruto’s arm to pull his ripcord. Fluorescent orange billows out, and he pulls up away. The next two are green and white and then it’s just Sakura and Naruto, and she’s holding onto his arm as if she’s going to die but they won’t, not if Naruto has anything to say about it.

“Pull your cord, Sak!” he yells, and she frantically nods, scrabbles around her back but, predictably, she can’t reach it.

Naruto grabs her so they’re chest to chest, accidentally gropes her arse and finally finds the cord, and Sakura starts screaming again because they are _very_ close to the ground, but he pulls it and they balloon up, slowing down just enough that when they slam into the K on the ground they don’t die or get injured.

-

It takes around half an hour for the rest of them to appear, dragging their parachutes or wrapped up in them. Sasuke is the only other one who hits the K, only about a meter from Sakura and Naruto in the center.

Merlin meets them out there, once they’re all lined up, and he is once again buried in his tablet. “Karin, opened to early, all over the radar. Suigetsu, Temari, you didn’t land on the K, you don’t become part of the K. All three of you pack your bags, and go home.”

He waits until they’re gone, back in the building, to continue, “Sakura, Naruto, congratulations, you set a new record. Opening at 350 feet, pretty admirable. Good job completing another task. Fall out.”

Naruto is enough in control of himself after that to stomp over to Merlin, instead of shouting at the man like he wants to, before he asks, “Why the hell am I the gimp, _sir_?”

Merlin looks at him with hard eyes and says, “You need to get that chip off your shoulder, Uzumaki.” And he pulls Naruto’s ripcord, and the billowing of the parachute pulls him back and down.

-

Their second to last test is quite a thriller, waking up after being drugged in a higher-end bar strapped to some tube tracks. He doesn’t recognize the man above him—well, maybe he does look a little familiar from the bar, but he’s still sliding off whatever high he was on when he shrieks, “Who the _fuck_ are you?!”

“That’s not important,” the man says, holds up a knife, “this could save your life.”

And, really, Naruto would like to focus on that but he can hear the tube lines rattling and even if the lights haven’t popped up he’s in _deep fucking shit_ , and for good measure he screams, “Fuck!”

“I only have two questions for you, Naruto,” the man says, remaining irritatingly calm even while he’s threatening, “What is Kingsman? And who is Jiraiya?”

“I don’t fucking know, you weird-ass motherfucker!” Naruto shrieks, “Just cut the fuckin’ ropes?!”

“Don’t give me that answer if you want to end up like your two friends,” the man says, pauses, and asks, “Naruto, is Kingsman worth dying for?”

It doesn’t even take thinking to answer that, because Kingsman is his life now, and Naruto yells, straining at the ropes, “Yes, it bloody well is!” before he shrinks back and closes his eyes. No way in hell he’s gonna look at his death.

-

Naruto is still coasting off of his adrenaline high when they make it into Merlin’s room, where Sasuke is on the screen tied to the tube lines, the same man asking him the same questions.

“What the hell is Kingsman? Who is Arthur?” the man asks, and Naruto stuffs a hand against his mouth when Sasuke shrieks at the oncoming train. The man asks, louder, “Is Kingsman worth dying for?”

“No!” Sasuke shrieks, “fuck, I’ll tell you everything, Arthur is Shimura Danzo! He’s in charge of Kingsman! Kingsman’s the spy agency! Get me the fuck out of here!”

Naruto glances over at Sakura, who also has her thumb pressed against her lips, forcing them to not curve up. Well, at least he won’t be the new Lancelot.

-

Merlin says they have a full day before their final test, but Naruto is so jacked on adrenaline and general, confusing love for life that he doesn’t foresee himself getting a whole lot of sleep during that time. Anyway, Jiraiya is directing the cab to his own house, which is surrounded by parks and other identical, perfectly kept up houses, each with their own little lawns and fences.

To say Naruto is envious would be underselling it.

In addition, Jiraiya has at least five grand worth of liquor in his house, and after he teaches Naruto how to make a proper martini (no vodka, _thank you_ ) they sit in what is supposedly his office but is mostly a testament to Penthouse and Tijuana bibles. They ignore the dirty mags, though, because on the wall behind the door there are news pages, papering the wall, the dates ranging from the seventies to months before.

Naruto makes him go through all of them, from the newest (“Rubes Find Rubies”, stopped assassination attempt on the queen) to the oldest (“Doris Gets Her Oats”, bombs under the parliamentary chambers defused). When Jiraiya was done with reliving the glory days Naruto does get some sleep, though barely any because it’s fucking morning anyway, and apparently Jiraiya wants to get him measured for one of those fancy suits that he always wears.

-

The shop is quiet and cool, the hum of a sewing machine filtering through from the back as Jiraiya heads straight to the first fitting room, stopped only by the man behind the counter saying, “I’m so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting. I can offer you Fitting Room Two.”

Jiraiya sniffs, says, “One does not use Fitting Room Two when losing one’s bespoke virginity. Fitting Room Three shall do for now.”

-

Naruto is caught between aroused and confused when he toes the blade in the shoe away and Jiraiya shows him the lighters and rings. He has an itching to steal absolutely everything, but Jiraiya catches him palming one of the lighters and puts a stop to that with one vicious look.

Naruto follows him back out, still a weird mix of emotions and energy, and they walk almost right into—Madara Uchiha.

And it changes from aroused and confused to just confused, because what the _fuck_ is Madara Uchiha doing in Kingsman Tailors wearing a very well-fitting Ascot-ready suit??

-

Naruto doesn’t get any answers, because Jiraiya hands him off to the care of the fitting room attendant and fucking disappears, leaving Naruto to take the ride to HQ on his own. He isn’t there for more than an hour—running Kurama around, cleaning up his shit and generally trying to avoid Sakura—when Merlin appears, carrying his clipboard slash tablet and looking more than a little annoyed by everything.

“Arthur needs to speak with you,” he says, not even looking down at what he’s tapping into the tablet, “the library.”

-

Arthur is sitting in front of the fire, and as Naruto walks in, Kurama on his heels, he says, “Please, sit,” and once Naruto is seated, Arthur holds out a gun.

“Take it,” he says, and once Naruto has done so he says, “Shoot the dog.”

And Naruto sees red.

-

He doesn’t even realize that he’s home— _really_ home, outside of the grey concrete and pock-marked wood of the front door—until he’s got his key halfway into the lock. His brain aborts that process, because if his mam is there she’s going to give him an entire interrogation and he can’t fucking deal with that. But—

He checks his phone and he knows from calling her the week before that she has some networking thing until the afternoon, so he’s safe for at least an hour. An hour is enough. He changes his clothes, swipes some biscuits from the kitchen for later, and has Kurama back in the car within half that.

Naruto leaves, and he has no fucking clue where he’s going.

-

When the autopilot takes over Naruto can’t do more than curse and smack the wheel, burying his shaking hands in Kurama’s silky fur when the dog snuffles onto his lap from the passenger seat.

-

Jiraiya is fucking pissed. Jiraiya is…pretty rightly fucking pissed, Naruto will admit but he’s also fucking sticking by his opinion that any spy agency that forces you to shoot a dog to join is not a good spy agency.

“You throw away a potential future for a fucking dog,” Jiraiya growls, buttoning up his jacket with a little more anger than strictly necessary, “and you humiliate _me_ by stealing my boss’s car.”

“What the fuck, you shot a dog just so you could get a job?”

“Yes. I. Did,” Jiraiya says, striding across the kitchen to open the pantry, “And every time I go for a new box of Tips, Fufu is there to remind me of that fact!”

Fufu, or what Naruto assumes is Fufu, is stuffed and pretty goddamned magnificent, which is something he would comment on if he weren’t fucking _horrified_ that Jiraiya had his taxidermied dog in his fucking pantry. Continental cut and all, ready for a fucking dog show. “The fuck, you shot your dog and you had it fucking stuffed?”

“No, I shot my bloody dog, took him home, and remained caring for him until he died of bloat at twelve,” Jiraiya says, looking more irritated as he continues. “Kingsman dogs are bloody well trained to dodge a bullet. Do you remember Ino?”

“Yeah,” Naruto is really confused at where this is going.

“She didn’t drown, she works in Edinburgh in our research department,” Jiraiya says, and it’s a touch calmer than anything else he’s said, “The training you receive is to test your limits; a Kingsman only condones risking a life in order to save another.”

-

Naruto feels shitty. He’s had a shitty day being an unintentionally shitty person and having Jiraiya yell at him and tell him he’s a shitty fucking person for doing what he thought was right. Whatever. Naruto’s been sitting under Fufu in the pantry for the past hour and hoping that, when Jiraiya comes back, they’ll be able to actually talk instead of ripping into each other.

He remains under taxidermied poodle for even longer, vaguely considering making himself some of the tips that Jiraiya spoke of, until the computer that the man had left on the kitchen table turns on.

Naruto knows what that means. It’s his personal terminal, saves and processes all of the data coming in from his glasses, and it turns on when the glasses do.

-

“—another left,” Merlin is saying after Naruto makes himself a proper cup of builders tea as some sort of fortification, and sits at the computer.

Jiraiya mutters a complaint about Americans and cars, and slows, turning into a small parking lot where he parks and gets out. Naruto watches without the faintest idea of what is happening as his mentor enters a small white church.

He can’t even fucking hear anything until Jiraiya sits down, installing himself next to a rather horrid looking blonde woman. Then, oh, _then,_ he can hear the short man at the front spewing absolute bile towards everyone who is not a middle-class, white, heterosexual, narrow-minded Christian.

He really fucking wants to turn it off. But that might mean missing something, and he most definitely does not want to do that.

-

So. He keeps the stream on despite the fact that everything in that tiny church goes to absolute, blood-spattering shit less than two minutes later, despite the fact that he would like to not see people being beheaded by candle sticks, despite the fact that Jiraiya has apparently lost his fucking mind. Naruto can hear Merlin trying to do something—anything—but nothing he says helps the situation.

The situation that gets only fucking worse when Jiraiya leaves the building, still unresponsive to Merlin. Because Madara Uchiha is standing out there, next to his bodyguard and a few other thugs with guns, and _he_ has a gun in his hand.

“What the hell did you do to me? I wanted to kill all those people,” Jiraiya says, and his voice is raspy and harsh with his breathing.

Madara nods, and a slow smile spreads over his face, “Clever, isn’t it? Simply, it’s a neurological wave that triggers the brain’s aggression centers, switches all inhibitors off.”

“The SIM cards, I guess?” Jiraiya asks.

Naruto’s brain starts saying “no, no, no, no,” when Madara chuckles and shakes his head, moving a step closer, “This is like one of those old movies we both love. I have you caught in a corner and tell you my whole plan, then come up with some convoluted way to kill you, and you come up with some equally convoluted way to escape.”

“Sounds fine to me,” Jiraiya returns.

“Sorry to disappoint, but this isn’t that kind of movie,” Madara says, swings the gun up.

When the shot fires off and the glasses crack Naruto slams the laptop shut and nearly flings the chair he was sitting on into the wall in his haste to stand up. There is no fucking way—there is _no_ fucking way—what the _fuck_ is going on?

He walks two circuits of kitchen, avoiding Fufu’s judgmental gaze as he thinks and thinks and tries _not_ to think about Jiraiya getting shot in the fucking face. He has to—fuck, he needs to go to the shop.

-

The shop is empty of patrons when he arrives, and he heads straight into the back, the meeting room that Jiraiya had mentioned. Arthur is sitting at the head of the long, polished table, a decanter of brandy sitting on a crystal tray right in front of him, and before Naruto can get the thoughts in his head straight, words spill out. “Arthur, Jiraiya’s dead.”

The old man leans back, says, “ _Galahad_ is dead. We have just drunk a toast for him.”

“And—Madara?”

“Yes, thanks to Galahad’s recordings we have his full confession, and that intelligence has been passed on to the proper authorities. Our work on the matter is complete,” he says.

“And that’s—that’s it?” Naruto asks, and there’s something about this that feels wrong.

“Come, sit down,” Arthur taps the table, waits until Naruto is seated at his right hand before he leans forward to get the decanter. And maybe it’s a hunch but—but, _nothing_ , there’s a small neat scar under Arthur’s ear, so Naruto watches and waits for his opportunity.

-

While Naruto is morally struggling over literally murdering a man, he does feel very vindicated when he sticks a probably very expensive fountain pen into the man’s neck and fishes out a tiny computer chip. He even filches the man’s silk pocket square to wrap the bloody electronic and his phone in before he sneaks down to the private tube line.

Naruto knows exactly how to get to Merlin’s office and manages to almost make it without being seen. That is, until Sakura has a gun trained on him right outside the older man’s office door. He knocks anyway, because if Sakura is going to shoot him he would at least like to do something worthwhile before dying.

“Lancelot, what are you,” Merlin stops and were he a lesser man, he probably would’ve sighed. “Naruto.”

-

“Lancelot, you can put down your weapon,” Merlin says after he has the phone and the itty bitty chip in his hands, the scar across his nose wrinkled as he looks at the chip under a magnifying glass. “This is definitely Madara’s work.”

She holsters her gun, says what they all are thinking, “What the hell are we going to do?”

“Well, we are on our own,” he looks at Naruto, “of course, if you are game.”

“Are you kidding me? I wanna see that fucker burn,” Naruto replies, feeling perhaps a little too excited about shooting people.

-

After Sakura is sent packing off to near-space (fan _tastic_ choice, Merlin) Merlin sets them to the coordinates of Madara’s bunker, turns on autopilot, and finds a garment bag in one of the cupboards. “Galahad had it made for you. Might as well dress the part, mm?”

Naruto is…

Well he’s not bloody well complaining, because the suit is perfect in every way a suit can be. Hell, even the shoes are comfortable enough that he can imagine wearing them regularly. He fixes his cufflinks, puts on a watch and ring that were also in the bag, and then crowns it all off with the glasses.

And then Naruto turns, and looks at himself in the mirror.

-

“Hey, Sakura, how’s it?”

“Fuck off, Uzumaki, I’m going to kill you for making me think I’m not afraid of heights,” she growls, sounding green.

“Hey, you gotten one of these suits, yet?” he asks, ignoring her tendency for homicide to preen.

“No, haven’t been to the shop for a fitting.”

“God, you’re missing out,” Naruto breathes, adjusting his tie, before he turns to leave the cramped room.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s the first thing I’ll do after I kill you,” Sakura says, sounding even more wobbly.

“I’ll make sure to shoot someone for you,” he says, “talk to you later?”

“Later, Uzumaki, when I don’t feel like _murder_.”

-

“You’re going in as Arthur. Shimura Danzo,” Merlin hands him the newly deceased man’s phone. “Get a computer as quickly as you can.”

Naruto nods, makes sure his hair is still smoothed down and neat, and mentally prepares himself to bullshit past some of the most dangerous people he’s ever encountered.

-

It is surprisingly easy to get admittance, and as Naruto’s getting a martini—a proper one, Jiraiya would have been pleased to know—and marveling at the general stupidity of the people employed by Madara Uchiha, he scopes out the large ballroom, notes three different computers in use, and goes to charm one away from its owner.

Which, all told, is also surprisingly easy. It’s amazing how blind people are when they whole-heartedly buy what one lone man says and believes.

But nothing good can ever last, and so when Naruto finds a knife pressed to his throat courtesy of one Sasuke Uchiha—“He’s my fucking great uncle, god you’re _stupid_ ,” Sasuke mutters—Naruto is not even surprised. He lets Sasuke push him up and to the railing of the balcony, where the other calls, “Hey, Madara! You need to check your guest logs better!”

The way Sasuke’s nose cracks when he elbows it is music to his ears, but he can’t wait around and enjoy it, because Madara’s calling for guards, and if what he saw on the way in was anything to go by, the man’s got his own goddamn private army. “’ey, Merl, you done yet?” Naruto asks, sprints out of the ballroom and down a hall, any hall.

The man must be working like mad because Naruto can hear him typing over the comm, and he replies, “No, but get back to the plane. It’s a straight shot from where you are.”

A straight shot, really, if not for the gun-wielding goons.

-

“Sakura, ya there, mate?” he yells when he’s ducking out of one hall and down another

“Yeah, I’m here all right,” she yells back, and from the whistling he can tell that she’s gotten the satellite and is returning to earth.

“Hey, can you call me mam after your down? Tell her to lock herself inside, she don’t have a cellphone but I don’t want her to get caught up in this,” he babbles, trying to shoot and think of what he’s saying at the same time.

“I got you, first thing I do when I get down. Hey, stay safe! Won’t be able to kill you if you’re already bloody dead.”

-

When Naruto _does_ eventually get back to plane, he’s completely out of bullets and there’s a rip in one of his sleeves because apparently some of the goons have armor-piercing rounds which is fucking _brill_.

“Please tell me you have a fucking plan,” Naruto collapses in one of the seats, chucks his gun into another, “because I don’t.”

“You’re,” Merlin pauses, sets his AK on his shoulder as he peers at his computer screens, “Fuck, a biolock, I can’t hack that. You’re going to have to go in there and physically stop him from using it.”

When Naruto makes grabby hands toward his gun Merlin shakes his head, “No, this is mine. You can have one of the others.”

“The others…?” he follows the older man back to the room he had changed in, and watches as he pops the mirror open like a door, revealing a whole cache of guns, umbrellas, and lighters.

“The others,” Merlin says simply.

-

He has enough bullets to take down most of the army, but it doesn’t really help when he’s cornered outside one of the locked metal doors, surrounded by probably a hundred and fifty of the fuckers. Naruto can hear Merlin cursing over the comm, and, somewhere in the part of his brain that is delighted by guns and explosions, he comes up with a plan.

“’ey Merl?”

“What, I’ve sort of got three dozen soldiers on my arse, can this wait?”

“Remember those implants?” Naruto says, peeking around the corners.

There’s perhaps five full seconds of silence and Naruto just knows that one of those horrible sadistic smiles is spreading across Merlin’s face. “Give me half a minute, then,” he says.

-

The explosions are fairly glorious. And gory, but Naruto’s far enough away from the soldiers surrounding him that he doesn’t have to worry too much about that until he’s wading through them, trying to fucking reorient himself and find the ballroom again. Merlin isn’t much help because he’s giving directions to Sakura on how to find the mountain base (only half an hour walk, he says, and Naruto feels somewhat bad for her).

But he does make it back to the ballroom and in good time, at that, to find all of the dignitaries and celebrities with their heads all over the room. The two large screens are showing the mess that the SIM cards are making, and Naruto doesn’t think.

He shoots out one of the large windows that surround Madara and Obito, and for a few moments the man’s hand is off the table, and the chaos on the screens slowly filters to a stop.

Then Obito jumps out, Naruto curses, and the hand is back on the table.

-

Naruto is exceedingly proficient in hand-to-hand but he really doesn’t know how to fight hand-to-foot so for a few moments Obito has, hah, the upper hand. With his horrifyingly sharp prosthetic legs. And a fucking knee straight to Naruto’s ribs.

God, no one’s going to believe this.

He does end up changing tactics, if only because he is curious about the shoe blade. Jiraiya said it was coated in a high level neurotoxin, and Naruto’s never seen one of those in action before, so. Foot blade straight to the face, a shallow cut along his cheek, and green spreads across his body, his face terrified for one moment before he dies.

-

Naruto is really goddamned thankful that enough of his upper body strength remains for him to lob one of Obito’s prosthetics straight into Madara’s back. His hand is ripped off the table and he falls, the force of it shoving the blade completely through his body.

Naruto takes a second, catches his breath and wipes his forehead, before limping over to where the other man is.

“Hey, valet,” Madara coughs out, “This the part where you say some bad joke?”

Naruto looks down at him, tries not to bend over because his ribcage hurts like fuck, “Well, it’s like you said. This in’t that kind of movie, bruv.”

The man’s lips twitch up, ever so slightly, and he sighs, “Perfect.” And he’s gone.

-

Naruto spends at least three hours after that letting people out of the cells they’d been trapped in. Definitely not how he expected to meet the queen herself, but, beggars can’t be choosers. By the time he made it back to the plane they were the last ones in the hanger, the last living people in the base. Sakura is back, half asleep but still on a computer, jumping between news feeds and satellite feeds.

“Is that everyone?” Naruto asks Merlin, who is likewise on his computer.

“Yes, everyone,” Merlin replies, scooting back and closing his screens. He stretches, popping his back, before edging around Naruto to close up the plane and head into the cockpit. “Home. Get some sleep while you can, god knows we’re going to be mopping this up for the next few months.”

“Home,” Sakura mutters, leaning back from the screen, rubbing her eyes. Naruto flops into the seat across from her, and she eyes him, cracks a small smile, “Nice suit.”

-

They’re fifteen minutes out from HQ when Sakura snaps awake, looking more alive than Naruto feels. She cleans up the computer, yawns, and fixes him with an interested stare.

“So,” she asks, “does this make Naruto Galahad, Merlin?”


End file.
